


Don't Dilute the Water

by frogfarm



Category: Firefly RPF
Genre: Gen, Meta, Wishful Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:15:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27031024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frogfarm/pseuds/frogfarm
Summary: Nathan was just enjoying pretending to fish when he got the call that changed everything. But will Adam commit, even for a good cause?A mostly tongue in cheek first attempt at RPF, based on a longstanding bunny.
Kudos: 1





	Don't Dilute the Water

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrift/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Big Damn Zombies, Sir](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1256) by [shrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrift/pseuds/shrift). 



> This concept has been tormenting me since 2008, and I've always thought someone should bring the original story to Nathan Fillion's attention, if for no other reason than that it's so damn good. Executed as RPF because I've never done RPF, and because it feels like something the world could use. As always, I write what I want to see, if a little more self-consciously than usual on this occasion. I know nothing about the cast in real life other than the filtered nonsense we get from the organs of media, so apologies in advance for liberties taken or toes trod upon.
> 
> Title by the wonderful rock band Budgie, from a song commenting on the watering down of everything in modern life. Take it as my own statement regarding blood being thicker than.

"You know what, little fella?"

The Yorkshire pup gazed up expectantly; wide-eyed and open-mouthed, tongue hanging in the breeze.

"It's good to be the captain." Nathan punctuated this by letting a small cube of cheese fall from his fingers. The Yorkie snapped it out of the air, tail wagging, before immediately resuming his watch.

"Oh, no. Cap gets the lion's share." An expansive wave of Nathan's arm indicated the deck of the boat, the wide open sea, and the fishing rod between his knees. "You fetch me another beer, though? We can definitely talk."

"Are your torturing your dog again?"

"Heavens, no." Nathan smiled as he ruffled behind the Yorkie's ears. "We were just having a little chat about -- duties. Obligations, and -- such."

"Call for you, Captain." Krista leaned down and planted a kiss on his cheek. He was enjoying the proximity of her bikinied bosom when a cell phone tumbled into his lap, along with an unopened bottle of beer. "Have fun."

"I am! I mean -- what's that supposed to mean?" Nathan tried to maintain the scowl, but Krista was already turning away.

He sighed as he watched her descend the stairs to belowdeck. Picking up the phone, he squinted in the sun at the display before putting it to his ear with a crow of delight.

"Gina!"

_"Morning, Cap'n."_

"Well -- good morning to you." Nathan frowned, distracted from the wind whipping through his hair. "How'd you know?"

_"Know what, sir?"_

Not overly innocent. Not so much. But usually in his experience, Gina didn't much carry jokes in character past a brief aside or two. Whatever it might be, something was definitely up.

"Well, I'm out on the boat." He leaned back in the deck chair, gazing out over the bay at the sun peeking through the clouds. "Almost enough to make a fellow want to learn to fish."

_"Never too old."_ Her amusement felt slightly more direct, less _Zoe_. Nathan set down his pole, devoid of line or bait or hook.

"Something got you in a tussle?" Like always, it was good to feel how easy it came back; that comfortable sense of camaraderie, the slight Westernization of accent and vocabulary. The cast of _Firefly_ had been a surrogate family like no other, and perhaps would always be his favorite in a long and storied career.

_"Ran across an item I believe deserves your attention."_

"Does it now?" Nathan said. Odds were good on a late April Fool's prank. And knowing his crew, the con would be a long one. "And what might that be?"

_"One word."_ The rich warmth of her voice sparkled with glee. _"Fanfic."_

"Oh, no." Nathan was already shaking his head. "No, you know my feelings on that subject. Ain't happening."

_"Sir --"_

"Gina, what are the odds?" Names aside, Nathan still felt like he was arguing with Zoe. "Seriously, what are the odds of finding something truly good that is not some -- some smutty teen soap opera? Like, baby newt size! Toenail!"

Gina gave a mysterious chuckle, sounding completely sure of herself.

_"Care to make it a wager?"_

"Well, now -- you are an intelligent and discerning woman." Nathan could feel himself hedging, going for appeasement. "If anyone on this sorry planet could find the no doubt incredibly miniscule number of works that defied the odds, there's -- no doubt in my mind it would be you."

_"No need to butter me up, sir."_

"There you go again -- all right." Nathan sighed, humoring her with a tad thicker accent. "Care to enlighten me as to just why you believe I might find this particular tale of interest?"

_"Could give you a whole list of reasons,"_ Gina said. _"But most of them would spoil the surprise."_

"Can you tell me one that doesn't?" Nathan leaned down to scratch the Yorkie belly on offer, as its owner's tongue lolled in open approval. "At least not overmuch?"

A micromoment's pause. _"It's entitled Big Damn Zombies, Sir."_

The Yorkie gazed up, wagging his tail in an attempt to regain his master's loving attentions. Nathan stared out over the open waves for approximately two seconds.

"Send me the link."

  


* * *

  


"Captain!" The young blonde stood at attention, snapping off a crisp salute that lent an enticing jiggle to her ample bosom. "Heavy casualties in the engine room! And she's fast taking on water! What are your orders?"

"Blow the safe." Adam didn't turn around as he continued shoveling guns into a duffel bag. "Load up everything you can into Tug One. And scuttle Two. No way I'm letting those filthy Russkies get their hands on our tech."

"Sir!" The blonde was struggling under a double armful of vintage PLAYBOY and PENTHOUSE. "Those aren't the right magazines!"

"Good call, rookie." Adam dumped an armful of metal clips on the floor, accepting the stack from her with an approving nod. "These'll keep us going through the cold snap."

_"Sir!"_ A radio crackled to life on the console. _"That typhoon to the south is almost on us! Colonel Ma is demanding our immediate surrender!"_

"Must have got tired of playing footsie with Ivan." Adam reached into the bag and pulled out a massive forty-five revolver, an Old West classic so large it made his hand look almost dainty by comparison. The click of the hammer echoed from the metal walls of the tiny cabin as he brandished his weapon. "Come and get me, coppers!"

"You're so brave," the blonde burbled, snuggling into his chest. "Do you think we still have a chance?"

"Guess we'll find out." Adam grinned and pulled her close, relishing the warmth and tightness of her body pressed against his. "Hold on to your goolies, girl!"

"I thought that was your job," she giggled, tugging the hem of her skirt. Adam was about to help her with that when a frown crossed her face, disrupting the look of lustful perkiness. The far-off and high-pitched sound of the alarm klaxon was sounding less like a warbling siren. More like a telephone.

"Shouldn't you get that?"

Adam looked down. The gun was gone from his hand. In its place was a remote control.

He suppressed a groan as he tried to move. From the stiff and cramped feeling in his neck, he'd been asleep in front of the TV for a few hours. Working out still beat not being able to work out, but the inevitable soreness grew just a little more each day.

"Sweetie?" Ami was gently rubbing his aching shoulders. It felt half affectionate, half like an attempt to rouse him into consciousness. "You might want to get that."

"Let it go to voicemail," Adam mumbled. He reached up blindly, finding her tiny hand with his larger one. Already the din of the ringer had ceased, the phone no longer crawling around on the table beside him as it vibrated like a gorram sex toy. "I have everything I need right here."

"What about the kids?" Ami leaned down to plant a kiss on top of his head. "And what if they call back?"

"Cross that bridge when --" Adam groaned as his phone once sprang to life. Ami picked it up, squinting at the display.

"I think you want to take this." She handed him the phone over his shoulder, her voice retreating with the rest of her. "Play nice."

"What the --" Adam felt his heart flutter and threaten to skip a beat. His fingers were numb, unable to properly stab at the screen. Finally his thumb managed to swipe the right button. He held the phone to his ear, swallowing.

"Nathan?" He could barely get the words out. "Who died?"

_"Who what?"_ Nathan's befuddlement seemed honest. _"What the hell's wrong with you? Nobody's died. Nobody I know,"_ he quickly amended.

"Oh, thank God." Adam sank back in the chair. His muscles were doing their best to try and untense, but so far it wasn't much. "What about -- I mean, is everyone okay?"

_"Why would you --"_ Nathan's hesitation stretched out. When he spoke again, he sounded just a little ashamed. _"It has been a while."_

"You mean --" Adam cleared his throat as he sat up, quickly regaining his composure. "Well, that's -- that's good."

_"Indeed,"_ Nathan agreed. _"So, you gonna ask me why I called?"_

Adam paused, trying to put his finger on what was different. Nathan sounded a little...folksier than usual.

"Okay. I'll bite." He took a moment, and a deep breath. "What's up?"

_"We're gettin' the band back together."_ An appropriately dramatic pause preceded Nathan's pronouncement.

Adam frowned. The other man sounded positively gleeful. Something was afoot.

"What's the occasion?"

_"Only that I have in my possession a short, fan-produced, ready-made script of such quality that if we perform it onstage at a convention, I believe we are near guaranteed unbelievable sums of potential earnings for charity."_ Nathan reeled off his pitch as if he'd rehearsed it, like a carnival barker. _"Your causes, mine, Kaylee's -- I mean, Jewel's --"_

"Been watching too many old videos, huh?" Adam chuckled and shook his head.

_"Dead serious. Non-partisan, whatever the hell you want --"_ Nathan cleared his throat. _"I just truly believe this is good enough that it deserves our attention and support. As Browncoats, I mean."_

"I guess...I'm not sure what to make of this development." Adam's brain was beginning to wake up. "Thought you said all that fan stuff was nothing but excuse for smut."

_"I anticipated this, my friend. And I have my exact quote right here: 'I don't need to see what might happen if Simon hooked up with Jayne or something.'"_ A brief clatter of keys rose in the background. _"And I believe you know Jewel's thoughts on the subject."_

"You don't -- need to remind me." Adam shook his head. "So what is it about this bit of purple prose that's got you so worked up?"

_"You sound suspicious."_

Nathan was putting on his classic wounded act. That one always went over like thunder with most people. Especially with the ladies. But after years in the trenches, and with time spent on both sides of the great divide, Adam was a tad more cynical.

"I'm just saying." Adam narrowed his eyes, as if Nathan were sitting before him to receive the intimidating glare. "There wouldn't be any... _particular_ reason you think this thing is so good?"

_"My word as Captain."_ The mockery of shock quickly vanished. _"Hey, I would not have been on the phone all day with lawyers if I didn't think this was worth doing."_

Adam paused. " _Fox_ lawyers?"

_"My point exactly."_ A cajoling note entered the crooning tones of the Canuck Castle. _"So?"_

It took only a moment for Adam to weigh and compare his priorities. Suspicious he remained, but this bore further investigation.

"Tell you what. Lemme make a few calls, make sure I know my schedule before I commit. Sound good?"

_"Absolutely._ " Nathan sounded pleased, and slightly relieved. _"Just remember -- we ain't gettin' any younger."_

"Only prettier," Adam said. "At least in my case."

_"Oh,"_ Nathan moaned. _"To the quick, this boy cuts."_

"All right," Adam chuckled. "I'll get back to you soon as I can. Hey --"

_"Yeah?"_

Adam paused before speaking from his heart. "It's good to hear you."

_"You too."_

  


* * *

  


Jewel was breathing hard. Also covered in sweat. But at least it was over.

She tossed her dripping towel into the laundry basket, feeling the strain in every muscle. Sticking to a workout schedule wasn't fun, but the real trick was keeping it up even when you weren't in front of a camera. Though it was a tossup as to whether her demanding regimen was worse than having to eat all that mayonnaise when she first got the Firefly gig. She still shuddered at the memory.

_At least you had to force it,_ Gina had said once on the set, giving her own hindquarters a smack. _I even look at a damn donut, this thing turns into the blob that ate Chicago._

_Still trade ya._ Jewel had given the rear end in question an appreciative and admiring glance. The costumers had made sure her co-star's gunslinger leathers clung to every last inch while allowing for a surprising freedom of movement. It was certainly an improvement over most of the productions both women had been on, where appearance was everything. Sometimes the only thing.

But like almost anything as good as it was, Serenity had ultimately been too good to last. At least they'd all gotten some closure with the movie, before the age of social media had done its best to ruin what was left of their merry band of misbehavers.

She didn't know why she was thinking on those days. Other than sheer nostalgia, plus or minus a bit of ennui. But when Jewel looked down at her buzzing phone and saw an unrecognized number, she had to wonder if it was all adding up to more than coincidence.

"Hello?"

_"Hey, Jewel."_ The gruff voice was immediately recognizable.

"Hey!" Jewel felt a flush of happy excitement, then embarrassment join the sweaty red face brought on by physical exertion. She didn't want to admit she'd deleted Adam's number from her contacts. And that was before Twitter had banned him from their site.

"What's going on?" She quickly moved forward to cover up any awkwardness, when a horrid thought occurred to her. "Oh God. Did someone die?"

_"Heck no,"_ Adam rumbled. His voice turned shrewd, almost probing. " _But I'm thinking a certain meddling someone might have been puttin' a little bee in our good captain's pretty floral bonnet."_

Jewel bit back her immediate retort, along the lines of _Are you okay_. Maybe _are you drunk_. Adam was sounding a bit rough, but no more than normal. For Jayne.

"You pickin' fights again?" It was amazing how easy the role of Kaylee was to slip back into. The tone, mannerisms, even the body language unseen over the phone all came on instantly, like flipping a switch.

_"I'm asking the questions here,"_ Adam shot back. Whatever else was going on, he was starting to have fun with it. _"And far as I go, the simplest explanation is you. 'Cause I can't imagine anyone else gettin' that man to read this fanfic stuff."_

"Okay." Jewel tried to digest this, to no avail. "You gonna tell me sometime before I keel over what's got you in such a tizzy?" 

_"Someone wrote a story. About us."_ Adam lowers his voice, like he's giving her the location of the nearest speakeasy. _"Our characters."_

"Yep. That's fanfic." Jewel shook her head. "I could have told you not to go reading that stuff -- wait." She rolled back the last few moments. "You think _I_ showed him this thing?"

_"Well, who else would it be?"_ Adam was starting to sound defensive.

"Oh, right!" Jewel laughed. "Like I'm spending all my time reading this junk about you and me getting busy --"

_"Hey!"_ Adam didn't sound so much wounded as protesting on principle. _"You were just the first person I thought of."_

"Uh huh." Jewel plopped down on the couch, propping up her aching feet with a little sigh. "You know anything else about this literary masterpiece?"

_"All I know is he is seriously gung-ho over this thing. And I mean it,"_ Adam stressed. _"No offense, but this is serious. I mean, he said he cleared it with lawyers."_

"Whoa." Jewel paused, her brain rearranging itself around this startling new bit of data. "Okay."

Adam's disbelief was still strong. _"And you don't know a thing about it?"_

"Not a clue." Jewel couldn't even begin to fathom it. "But knowing Nathan, it can't be anything too risque. I mean -- that's not his style." She was sounding slightly uncertain. "Right? I mean -- he knows it's not yours..."

_"Well, who the heck should I ask?"_ Adam growled in frustration. _"I mean, someone must have a clue about this stuff."_

"Oh, that's easy." Jewel didn't hesitate. "Sean."

Adam burst out with an enormous and unrestrained guffaw. _"Say what?"_

"Oh yeah." Jewel smiled in fond recollection. "He said after he came out, there were so much more stories being written about him -- well, about Simon. You know."

_"Well --"_ She could hear Adam clearing his throat. _"All right, then."_

"Nothing else?" Jewel had to admit to some minor disappointment.

Adam sounded more contrite. _"Sorry I busted your balls."_

Jewel smiled, ignoring the blush creeping up her neck. "Okay, dad."

  


* * *

  


_"So that's where I'm at,"_ Adam concluded. _"What do you think?"_

"Well -- you're probably right about one thing." Sean surveyed himself in the mirror, giving his tie a final straightening. "I'm sure your virtue is safe."

_"Don't even."_ A brief shudder. _"After seeing Tom Felton on Conan? You tell me I got nothing to worry about."_

"Yes, you might be made uncomfortable. The horror." Sean rolled his eyes at the exasperated growl that came over the line. "But no. I wouldn't put a lot of things past him, but I do think that putting the two of us on stage and commanding _now kiss_ is perhaps a bit beyond the pale."

_"Glad you concur."_ Adam's humor was dry as ever. Still, it beat the alternative. _"So what do you think has got our captain so ruddy interested in in this damn thing?"_

"Why are you so paranoid?" Sean was trying to pay attention while he ran through his pockets, making sure everthing was in order. Keys, tickets... "I can't imagine corporate lawyers approving anything that would make you look too foolish." 

_"Were you watchin' the same show?"_ Adam's 'Jayne' accent was growing stronger by the moment.

"I don't know." Sean chuckled, unable to resist as he feigned innocence. "Have you tried being...less ape-like?"

_"Very funny."_ Adam sounded as though he were rolling his eyes. _"Seriously. I need a crash course in this stuff."_

"In fan fiction." Sean paused in order to digest this. "From me."

_"And you can skip anything that might get me in trouble with the law, my wife, or the big guy upstairs."_

"Why don't you just Google it?" Sean checked his watch. He still had ten minutes. "The title, I mean."

_"You kidding? I wouldn't trust a million adblockers."_ Adam sighed. _"Yeah, I admit it. I'm scared."_

  


* * *

  


"I told you there was nothing to worry about." The look on Sean's face was far too polite to be called smug. He and Adam were standing side by side with the rest of the surviving cast, smiling for the cameras. Nathan signed the final paperwork with a dramatic flourish, holding the pen aloft to the cheers of a small but enthusiastic audience. The conference room was at capacity, with the festivities being livestreamed worldwide.

"Still can't believe I'm doing this," Adam muttered.

"Admit it," Sean said. "You fell in love before you even got to the end. Just like I did."

"I fell in love with not having to memorize a lot of dialogue." Adam looked over at Gina, who was blowing a kiss to her husband. "And not having to eat actual brains."

"We could still --"

"Don't even." Adam sent a meaningful look at Alan, who was pretending not to notice. "Same people get all the good lines."

  


* * *

  


"Can you believe the size of this crowd!" Jewel was bouncing up and down on her toes as she peeked out from behind the curtain. In her grease-stained overalls, it only increased her resemblance to her character. 

"Okay, everyone. For Browncoats everywhere, and --" Nathan glanced around the little circle. "For Ron."

His tribute brought a series of nods from everyone. Adam stood up straight and tossed off a perfect salute, already feeling his eyes start to moisten. They'd had to ask the original author's permission for a rewrite giving Book's minimal dialogue to Inara, referring to their fallen comrade as the source of her information regarding Jayne's affliction. Otherwise, their little shoestring production was ready to go as written.

"We ready?" Nathan grinned. "We are ready, right?"

Adam took a deep breath. "Let's do this."

  


* * *

  


"I knew it!" Alan crowed. "He was zombified. I am vindicated. I feel the vindication."

Another wave of laughter swept through the packed auditorium. Alan turned and mugged for the crowd, basking in their applause.

"I'll just go analyze this in the infirmary." Sean hurried forward to accept the packet from Inara, tossing a wink at Adam before sweeping offstage. Adam growled and hugged the bowl close to his chest, continuing to shovel peach gelatin into his mouth to the roars of an approving crowd.

"Oh, look." Nathan made a show of peering about the virtual medbay, out at the assembled house of fans. "Jayne's finished off his monkey brains, and he still looks a bit peaked. Who's up for gettin' him another helping?"

The audience erupted as Mal's crew fled in all directions at top speed.

"Braaaains," Adam mumbled, staring vacantly into space. Already he was looking forward to the big final reveal, when a palefaced Jayne would realize what he'd been stuffing himself with for the past twenty-four hours. That would require actual acting.

So, maybe it was nothing more than the same old song and dance. For the amount of cash this event would net for wounded veterans, he'd gladly swallow it and more. But even more meaningful than a standing ovation was the feeling of being back where he truly belonged.

With family.


End file.
